You are so funny. But yes I am aware of my friend in the unseen world. I also know that what I get to see if the tip fo th eiceberg.
Now, I hope you read this one. Making the long trip to Europe is not easy for me now days. I have became more scare of flying in my old age. But I am ready as I could be. Full of crazy thoughts that goes through my mind but the one I have not being able to get at all off, is you. Yes I am guilty that since we last chatted on Monday evening I launched a direct attack on you. But why can we call this an attack. I just express how I feel about someone that I met a feew weeks ago that I am looking forward to meet again and get to know that person better. You and I have know each other for so long. At the 3 quarters of the way I can tell you were always making me believe from the distance and through this media that something can develop from this. The number of fights we have had about this subject are endless. I do not want to fight any more. I do acknowledge this thing that someone connects me to you and won't allow me to venture far. But for my sake and your sake, I made a commitment this last time to really become a friend. To respect your relationship of 8 years which even to this days I admire and think it is a beautiful one because of the way you act when you are with him. I can give my love and friendship without any conditions or expectations. But it is obvious that by keeping it this casual you are either showing me that I am a threat to your relationship or you do not really see me as friend. There has been time in the last couple of month that I really needed a true friend. One that can pick up the phone and give a message of hope and care. I got emails or chats through the other media.
Thoughts cross my mind when I remember one time you went to Dallas and you mention knowing me. Was that done to making jelouse and make him appreciate you more or was I really view like the potential friend I could become and one day being introduce to him.
To tell you the truth I do not know what to think of the whole thing. Was I really being offered a friendship or am I threat to your commitment and relationship with Dallas. I could not be seem like a friend because friend offer in any way they can confort or just the attention to be heard. So I must be consider like as a threat then. Which brings to mind the thought that we my run into each other again and you probably want to pull another DC on me. Is that all I am good for it. That is the part that makes me the most sad. Nor only the thing that scares me the most since I have been offered a gig in Southern California and your constant trip to OC means for me to hide and not being able to really sit down like good friends over coffee without you trying to go beyound of what good friends are supposed to do in such occasions.
It hurts me to attack you. It hurst me that when I am over analyzing a situation with regards to Boston. I get my friend not being supportived or discourage me by saying I was being taking as a casual hook up. I made a promise to honor your and honor your feelings as I am here honoring mine. This is how I feel betray by someone that offered me a friendship and at the moement when I could not handel fleakiness that is what I have been offered. The years knowing you and big part of those years being fed the idea of an illusion that was not meant to be. Then agreen to friendship that has terms and it is not free to express the true love between friends.
Sorry, I could not help on thinking about all this. Trips like the one I am about to take has that effect on me. But I will cross the Atlantic one more time alone for the sixth year when before I used to do with someone that was not even good company to help carry the lugage or do a simple transaction on foreigner ATM. But I am sorry if I hurt you with my attacks. I was hurt for the conditions imposed to a friendship in which I was given my love with out condition even hopping some day I can be introduced to Dallas.
For you buddy, I am sorry I went this route. I had this burning inside all night long as the time to make that crossing that you know gets me this way come closer. But I do appreciate you being on my side kepping me going like good friend always do to each other.
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